“The Big 3”, shaky at best

The below piece is from a journal written, not so long ago while reflecting on a pivotal moment of uncertainty in my life. Now, as I find myself in another period of unknown, job situation changing, as well as being between homes, I’m searching for the mental thread that gave me a positive and encouraging outlook I need today.

On a day to day basis, the connected dots of one’s life are rarely examined. When a routine is broken, mistakes made, or “luck” strikes, transitions from one thing to the next can be difficult. Besides, “where do I want to go?”, during times of change, we find ourselves asking, “How did I end up here?”.

That route is not typically an escalating smoothly plotted line on a well-to-read map, but more than likely resembles the spins, stalls and knocks of riding bumper cars. Life’s answers are rarely straightforward.

Yet, when taking a moment to look back, the puzzle pieces tend to fall in place and you learn how the game is played. You just wish you had known then, what you know now.

I am a firm believer that every tiny moment, large event, minor interaction and encounter are a part of who you are today and who you will be tomorrow.

7 years ago I was at a bottom. Feeling stuck. Depressed, even. I didn’t quite know who I was, what I stood for or cared deeply about. All I knew is that I needed a jolt. A push. A pull. Something. Anything.

In 2011, I was one unhappy dude. I had reached a real low point in my life. Each of what I like to call “The Big 3 in Life”, were shaky at best.

I was working a job where the money was right, yet satisfaction, interest and effort were minimal. Job, Home, Relationship. You will never forget the jobs you worked, places lived or the people you’ve dated.

The actual home I was living in was top notch, actually one of my favorite places in the world, but in the house that I grew up in, with my parents down the hall. It was quite comfortable, but not my own.

I had split from a long-time, long-distance relationship and was lost.

I looked thin, but was far from fit. I had no drive and even if I did, I’m not sure where I would be headed. Things were static. As much as things may have seemed well enough from the outside, I was miserable within.

Cut to 2015, my wife and I purchased a home fit for raising our son, near to our well-paying jobs, for which we each are quite filled with passion for. I have never been happier, more complete, inspired and full of life. What got me here, was my “moment”.

The moment came to me during a weekend in Monterey, California in 2012 yet, to get to that point and to create my own life and build the pillars from ground up, I traveled.

Music was the excuse, and what consistently helped give me the confidence to trust myself, surroundings, my fortunate youth and family upbringing that I would be okay no matter what I did. Podcasts helped too, I found a way to continuous learn while also be entertained, and also be at work. Beside the 50+ concerts, couch surfing, urban farming, hiking, biking and a variety of activities taken place, I solo road tripped across the country several times.

I was feeling completely refreshed, eyes wide, open mind. I had shed years of layers during 8 months traveling the country.

I was raw and vulnerable.

I was thrilled with the sense of connection experienced in that weekend at a music festival and a culmination of the ongoing inner dialogue of questions, ruminating about what to do or why and never having an answer. A long time battle of the mind figuring out who I am and what I cared about, had been resolved.

I still didn’t have those answers, yet I found my self and sat with comfort in that. I still sit with comfort of myself, because of those times.

There is no right or wrong way to live, life to choose, or direction to go, but to be true to your self. The hard part is, getting there.

My mind had come to rest easy knowing I had made it to that place, physically and mentally.

That time of my life feels so distant in mind, because I’ve come so far and taken on various endeavors and new challenges, but the intimacy which I know those days is who I am at the core, and remains rock solid in my heart and still what I try to reflect into the world.

Reflections and awareness drive fortitude forward with perpetual time, allowing for acceptance in the present, understanding real change is possible and that you ultimately control the direction, albeit not the outcome of your life.

It’s important to know your story, the truth, even if it’s a little twisted. The honesty, that’s the stuff right there. It will allow you a sense of freedom with yourself enough to pass off the endless distractions and focus on the things you know are key to your reason for living.

I was able to go from not knowing myself and struggling with each of life’s Big 3, to breaking down and rebuilding an even stronger core. I now, feel limitless and know that you can to.